Don’t worry: I’m officially on the grid again.

When you go off the grid you may find yourself lost and disappointing people or you may end up in the ocean, especially if Apple Maps leads you astray. 

However, in all seriousness, you may end up finding yourself by meeting new people and exploring new places. 

So, Katharyn, where have you been? You haven’t posted since December. When did you get back from the Philippines?

Ready. Set. Entering into the land of disappointing others but most importantly, myself. 

See, when I came back in January for Ryan and Amanda’s wedding, I went and saw my doctor. In general, after being in a 3rd-world-country for six months, its good to get a check up, right? 

I totally recommend it. 

When I went to see her, she did not give me medical clearance to return.

I’ve been in the States since January.

And before I go further, I want to apologize to Bethel, my supporters and my parents.

I thought my plans would be different, I promised a journey that would last longer, I took money and prayers, and I abandoned my commitment to all three parties.

Apologies are sometimes difficult, and in this case, and since January, almost impossible when it came to my journey in the Philippines. 

I have always known I’m a procrastinator, and this has been the hardest period of procrastinating I have ever gone through.

So, I’m sorry. 

During this time I have discovered so much about myself, realized that being sick disrupts plans and when doing so, makes it difficult to admit fault.

Writing this post has been a long time coming and part of my healing. 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Thank you for being patient with me, understanding when plans don’t go as we feel they should, and being there despite all of that. I love you.

*enter sigh of relief* 

I have learned in this time…

that healing takes time.

 

Although I am not in a place where I can divulge what I have been sick of, know I am safe, healthier, and at peace. 

 

And I’m not dying, just in case that crossed your mind. 

 

I simply needed rest.

 

When going off the internet grid, I’ve learned to be more kind, I’ve accepted responsibility more, I’ve become a better person, and I’ve continued to grow.

Although it didn’t go according to plan, and I wish I celebrated Bethel’s graduation, been with my students, hugged them, continued to pray with them, and supported my fellow staff members, I simply could not.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a place where I could return to Bethel and coming to terms with that has been so so so difficult. 

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately and I would like to share one I wrote last night as I was preparing to write this post.

It’s one sentence long, a form of poetry I am fond of because it’s confusing nature allows the mind to interpret what it wants to see.

This piece means a lot, and may not make sense, but its deep meaning about a restless soul getting caught up in the world only to find itself comforted by past memories creates great joy for me. Enjoy “UNCERTAIN”

UNCERTAINTY is a blameless cure for a restless soul whose words are creatures; whose actions are creations of a restless mind that has watercolors for nerve endings and vinegar for a spinal cord that has life spraying into a darkness that cannot speak anything but casual collections of code where numbers and letters continue into a long stem of nonsense that create a lasting message of meaningful sentences that spring into machines and innovations for the restless mind that cannot sleep and is miserable from a long endless emotion filled period that at one time held kisses and embraces but now holds space and distance between hands that were once part of a deeper discussion of what philosophy means, what love impacts, what Christ lived for, and what death feels like to the human who will at one time experience a one second step on earth into a heaven that holds many souls, many of whose lives were UNCERTAIN.

I love you all.

Don’t worry: I’m officially on the grid again.