If you are acting according to His Will and someone still thinks you less than, inadequate, undeserving, or selfish—take a deep breath and say a prayer for them. Be the bigger, the better, the more forgiving. And when you think you’ve run out of being the bigger or the better or the more forgiving, remember “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”

I bet sometime in your life you’ll hear the phrase “That wasn’t my intention”, if you haven’t heard  it already.

It is a common misconception that we are only responsible for how we intend our words to sound, and not how they are received. I completely and utterly disagree.

As individuals who strive to care for others, empathize with feelings and life stories, we are absolutely responsible for how are words come across.

Saying “That wasn’t my intention” or “I’m sorry to say this, but” is a complete copout. These phrases are essentially avoiding all of your responsibility of being a kind and caring individual simply because you didn’t intend to have it hurt.

Writing a strongly worded email because you needed to “get it out” is wrong, yelling and insulting a person because you are frustrated is childish, and saying “If you wouldn’t do ‘A’, then I wouldn’t have to ‘B'” is ridiculous.

If your intention was to hurt someone, congratulations, you probably did. I encourage you to reevaluate why hurting someone makes you feel better.

And when someone does these things to you and you don’t reciprocate, instead speaking softly, it doesn’t make you “heartless”. 

We are all responsible for our actions and the way we say and do things. We need to consider other people’s feelings before we speak, think before we act, and own up to how our words and actions are perceived.

Keeping things to yourself until you can speak kindly is the right way to go. Will you get immediate gratification? No. Will you have better relationships? Yes.

As some of you know, I was a very problematic child.

I yelled because I thought it was my only option, I screamed to get my way, I acted out because I thought I would get more attention and I got angry because it felt good. Through years of therapy and countless moments of analysis and self-reflection, I realized I was wrong. Apologizing for years of abuse was one of the hardest things I have done, but one of the most rewarding.

I learned  to communicate with empathy and love, be quick to apologize when I was wrong and use “I feel” statements. I learned that kind words and phrases starting with “I” make a huge difference.

“I’ll start acting like an adult when you stop treating me like a child.” “I’ll start treating you like an adult when you stop acting like a child”

Phrases like these are ultimatums and avoid responsibility.

“I feel hurt when you yell.” “I felt invalidated when you didn’t show up for my soccer game.”

Phrases like these share your feelings and request empathy–and as I’ve learned–are more effective, and will be better received.

There is a little piece in everyone that says “I want to feel loved, I don’t feel loved right now, please love me”

However, saying “you must love me this way” or “I don’t need your kind of love” is very hurtful.

 

If you are acting according to His Will and someone still thinks you less than, inadequate, undeserving, or selfish—take a deep breath and say a prayer for them. Be the bigger, the better, the more forgiving. And when you think you’ve run out of being the bigger or the better or the more forgiving, remember “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”